Smiles fade,

It rots away.

Position the angles,

The camera's not done.

You're the next star,

You're the man on the run.

The man on the run

Pushed you away

Mental decision

Is starting to fray.

The edges quite broken,

The center quite cracked.

The way that you are is becoming a fact.

And you wonder why it hurts to smile,

Why maybe you haven't in a while.

While you lose release,

'Cause it's all caving in.

In the wreackage and rubble,

You know you won't win.

Tell me - where is the harm

In losing your mind

When losing your soul is much harder to find?

So much like a drone,

You can't see your own face.

A photo maniped, painted space.

Touching you up to make you complete.

Forcing an expression that can not be beat,

One-hundred percent, your winning...

And you wonder why it hurts to smile,

Why maybe you haven't in a while.

While you release,

'Cause it's all caving in.

In the wreackage and rubble,

You know you won't win.

This Isn't A Disco, So You Shouldn't Be Panicking

written by Madison Cesmat

melody by Natasha DeHoop.

On lighter news, I'd like you all to know something very important:

I have a new boyfriend! He's absolutely special. His name is Eric, and I believe I told you about him in my last blog. He lives by Southdale, meaning, in Edina, and that means I don't get to see him too often - except for at church and when we can schedule 'dates'.

His mom has cancer, too. So he knows about that. He's also battling depression, like myself, and we have a lot of the same interests. I find myself so happy when I'm with him. And I miss him terribly right now. We have a date set on Thursday, which means I'm going home with Tasha... hopefully. She's bringing along her honey, Dustin, too.

He's really funny, too, and he's usualy not talkative, but he actually talks to me...

^Me and Eric on Sunday, at Wooddale Church.

Other than that, there isn't much going on. I doubt anybody still reads this thing anyways, so I don't know why I bother. But, for once, I'm the one staying out of the fights. Cherokee and Conor got into it, and then Cherokee attempted to fight with me and I just stopped talking to her. But whatever.

xMadi

How Will I Break The News To You?

You'd think I aughta be used to this by now. Save for a few of those late-night episodes, missed oppurtunities and 'I don't cares', there's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about. I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things, just make sure you're not there. This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way... I love you, however, you hold me down. You're the echoes of my everything, you're the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You're the laziness of the afternoon, you're the reason why I burst and why I bloom. How will I break this news to you? Cancel our dinner with Max and Caroline, feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean. We'll talk it over after I've had some time to sort it out. You hold me down.
You're the echoes of my everything, you're the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You're the laziness of the afternoon, you're the reason why I burst and why I bloom. You're the leaky sink of sentiment, you're the failed attempts that I could never forget. You're the metaphors that I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love... How will I break the news to you?

It's over. I'll leave it at that.

I'm trying to push all of the bad people out of my life, and I've started with those I can control weather or not I speak to -
x] Mark
x] Conor
x] Ray

My mom has this deluded impression that I think guys are the only thing that can make me happy, because I told her that I was thinking abou the guy that I like and that he makes me happy. And she just flipped out on that. I understand that there are other things, it's just, that's what I was thinking about at the time. He does make me happy, but he's not the only thing.

Maybe I just shouldn't tell my mom anything. She has a tendancy to get the wrong impression... It bothers me, honestly. And I actually kind of want her to butt-out of my life. I lover her, in all respects, but I just need my space.

I don't want to talk to her sometimes.

But off of that, I'm going to talk about the guy I like right now, because, as I said, I'm thinking about him.

He's really nice, from what I can tell. He's kind of quiet, but that's okay. It balances me out. My friends didn't realize that we actually talk because we do it so quietly. He's very observant, I think--he hasn't tickled me, or even tried, but I told him I was a very ticklish person, and he responded, 'You seem like it..'

He's kind of got this sleepy-looking smile, and that sort of calm nature about him. Just thinking about it is calming me down. Besides black, his favorite color is green, and while that does remind me of Conor, she can go shove a stick up her ass to match her attitude and call it a night. (I am typically not a mean or spiteful person, I'm just so sad and scared still, and on top of that I'm stressed and she just told me I'm not worth it.)

His name is Eric, and I'm crushing hard.

I also have blisters on my thumbs. It's kind of really weird.

I'd also like to thank my brother for being the shoulder I cry on and the arms that hold me when I need a hug. He's the best brother in the world, and I love him so much. I couldn't ask for a better older brother, and I hope he's enjoying highschool.

xMadi

I'm Giving Up, Giving Up Slowly

Hey, guys. It’s Friday and I can safely say I’ve never been more bored in my life. I should be in school, I know, but I’m still so freaked out from Wednesday. Just thinking about it is making me shake. And, I know. I won’t have him in my life. I’ve recruited my friend to keep him away from me, one who has tons and tons of muscle and is taller than me(!). You don’t have to worry about me on that case, I’d say. I can protect myself. And if I can’t protect myself, well, then my friend can.

However, my aunt just made me cry! And that’s actually really hard to do. (Well, not right now, but still. I’m pretty freaking strong.) I’m listening to ‘The Teardrops On My Guitar’ by Taylor Swift, which Conor thinks is my song to Crouton Boy (Jerk-Off Boy, as she calls him.), and Auntie.1 (Lynnie) just sent me this email, and it just made me cry.

Mark looks at me,
I fake a smile so he won’t see.
And I want, and I need
Everything that we should be.

I bet she’s beautiful,
That girl he talks about.
And she’s got everything I have to live without.

Mark talks to me,
And I laugh ‘cause it’s so damn funny.
But I can’t even see
Anyone when he’s with me.

He says he’s so in love,
He’s finally got it right.
I wonder if he knows he’s all I think about at night.

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.
He’s the song in the car I keep singing,
Though I don’t know why I do.

Mark walks by me,
Can he tell that I can’t breathe?
And there he goes,
So perfectly.
The kind of flawless I wish I could be.

She better hold him tight,
Give him all the love
Look in those beautiful eyes—
And know she’s lucky ‘cause…

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.
He’s the song in the car I keep singing,
Though I don’t know why I do.

So I drive home alone,
As I turn out the light
I’ll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight.

‘Cause he’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only one with enough of me to break my heart.
He’s the song in the car I keep singing,
Though I don’t know why I do…

He’s the time taken up,
But there’s never enough.
And he’s all that I need to fall into.

Mark looks at me,
I fake a smile so he can’t see.

I changed a bit of the lyrics there, and some of it (obviously) doesn’t fit since… I know he’s bad for me and that I don’t need him. But can you see how that would make me cry? (I’m sure my Aunt can, since she’s the only one who knows what was in the e-mail.)

Anyways, off of Croutons. I had the most bizarre dream last night, though Conor probably won’t find this odd compared to the dream I had where William was smacked in the head by the gray-ish Snitch. That was funny, though.

Anyways, I was dying my hair pink at Cheyenne’s house, and there were these huge dogs that were just adorable and stuff. Anyways, when I was dying the ends of my hair pink, my black hair-dye magically faded and my hair was blonde again! And someone broke into Cheyenne’s house. I can’t recall most of the dream, but I know it was a birthday party thing, and Cheyenne’s house looked more like hers, mine, and Conor’s houses mixed.

(AKA – Really weird.)

Yeah. Sometimes I wish my mom would turn off the humongous light in computer-area. It’s really bright and makes it so I can’t sleep facing the door, and I need to shift when I sleep. So I’m actually going to turn that off right now.

So, today, I woke up exactly at ten and watched Scrubs. That was pretty much uneventful, since I was still trying to wake up. Had I been in school, I would have been in Ms. Stenson’s class, diving deep back into Dracula. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was halfway asleep with what I like to call peacock hair. (Since I’ve dyed my hair so many times, if you move it, it stays like that. Let’s say that it’s quite interesting in the mornings when I wake up.)

When I would have been in science, I was rummaging through the kitchen to make my stomach ache go away. (I get that just as I walk into Science class every day, I’m beginning to realize.) Instead of listening to Mrs. Hruby’s voice explaining the Scientific Method again (I still deem she sounds like Chibiusa off of the English dub of Sailor Moon…), I was popping two instant ego waffles in the oven and proving in burning them again.

…Our toaster is broken, okay?

When I normally would have been eating lunch, I was signing on and checking my DeviantArt, MySpace, and my blog, as well as my email. (I hadn’t gotten my aunts for a few minutes.) Heidi Imed me and we talked for a bit. Then I got started back up on this :

It’s obviously not done yet, due to the kid on the ground (Isaac’s) lack of shading and face. I’ll be doing that soon, though, and I really, really, really hope Conor likes it because I’m making it for her. I’ve been working on this for two days now.

And, yes. That is all pixeled by hand in MS Paint. And if you use the computer at all, you must know how hard it is to make just about anything look good in MSP (unless you know the tricks like I do~ yay, computer savvy!)

Well, now, as I should be running the mile, I’m going to go brush my hair, teeth, and shower, as I feel totally gross.

Love you all!
-Madi

Currently Reading – Dracula / Bram Stoker

Currently Listening To – My Girl / The Temptations

Name Drop – Auntie Lynnie

I Can't Wait For You To Shut Me Up

Since I’ve been talking about this non-stop with the counselor’s at school, I don’t think it’s too important I bring it up here anymore. My previous problems have been worked through, I believe.

However, I’ve realized an extreme problem with me—I like people that hurt me. Be it physical or mental, I’m just attracted to the ‘danger’ that accompanies the look and feel of an ‘abusive’ person.

Lets take, for instance, the guy I like—I’ll call him Crouton Boy. He’s got a girlfriend, right? Well, he acts so bad like he doesn’t. Maybe it’s because she lives in Iowa, or maybe it’s because he’s just a ‘friendly’ person, but he doesn’t realize how bad it hurts. I like him… I really do. And I don’t know why.

Crouton Boy pushed me up against the wall today. I swear he was nearly grinding on me. In a freakin’ church… While I don’t believe in organized religion, he does. I really just want him to lay off.

He’s also pretty abusive… physically, I mean. I’m hurting so bad right now, both mental and physical. My back hurts and I think he dislocated my thumb. He just has me sad.

…I don’t like boys. Do they ever get better? (I’ve heard no, but I’m hoping they do.)

Currently Reading – Nothing

Currently Listening To – Nothing

Name Drop – Burky

Quote of the Week – “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

Lonely Teen Social

Hey guys! Newest update, only a day apart. Woopsies. But I just felt this had to be said!

http://theloneylteensocial.blogspot.com/

This is such a cool place. It was started by one of my dear friends, Duncan. He's such a fascinating person, and he brings out the best in people. It's almost impossible to be mad at him--I think, instead of being a rockstar, he should become a therapist or something. He'd be really good at that.

Really, he's one of the nicest people I've ever met. I know that, if I ever really needed something from him, he would pull through for me.

I'm happy he's started this. These are the issues that just aren't brought up or accepted in our school enviornment, the ones that makes me want to scream: WHY DO YOU DO THIS? EXPLAIN IT TO ME!

[Why people use the term 'gay' as an insult, the terms 'love' and 'hate', religion, family members in the hospital...]

This, seriously, is an amazing place. You should check it out.

-Madi Rae

Currently Reading - Dracula [Bram Stoker], Great Expectations [Charles Dickens]

Currently Listening To - Diamonds and Gold / Tom Waits

Name Drop - Duncan Griffin[N[e]ilson?]

And You Can Tell [That I'm Not The Carefulest Girl]

Well, hello there! It seems you’ve stumbled across my humble little blog here. Well, I’m starting this because I have a lot of friends whom I don’t have daily contact with… and I figure, why not just post it up here?
Now, I can’t just say, ‘yeah, this is just going to be self-conceited rambling’, because it’s not. I’ll post snippets from my newest book… which is currently unnamed, my poetry and my songs…
Also, if you hate me and you’re reading this—gtfo. Nobody wants you here anyways, and if you’re reading this to start gossip, well then. You’re just a shallow snot and I personally wish bad things upon you.
Ms. Stenson, for instance, hitting you with her books. Isn’t that a scary thought, hm? (Trust me, it is.)

Now! On to the more important things. Today, well… today was mildly suck-ish. I was late to school again—sorry mom!—and that left me mildly confused through most of FACS. I can safely say I’ve given up on my group… our pizza is going to suck ass. I also need to get chopped basil. Um, mom!
Ms. Stenson’s class was pretty cool, though. Ms. Sobrocco came in and ranted about Husky Pride. She’s pretty cool, if you ask me. It’s going to suck leaving her this year. And then Felicia and I went down to the library, since we missed Wednesday’s class, and read for awhile. Chicken Soup For The Teenaged Soul = love.
I have also realized that Duncan and I can not work together in science. I am too picky about the details while he wants to guesstimate. I think that’s a load of crap, but to each their own.
Lunch was lunch. I ate, talked, and screamed something about ‘stop it burns my ears.’ But I don’t really remember anyways.
PE, we had to run extra sprints because Charlie tripped the sub yesterday and Dylon Maple took over class and Ms. Berglund did not like that AT ALL. She doesn’t trust us anymore, but I don’t think she has too much of a problem with me. I wasn’t part of the problem.
We had our test in TA’s class today. I finished early and he made us draw what being Minnesotan means to us. Mine is barely done, but it’s due on Monday so I’ll probably add to it tonight when I’m at Conor’s house.
Math is annoying. That is that.

And, for those of you who keep asking about my mom—health wise, she’s recovering. She’s doing better in most respects, since the chemo is done. It’ll take about ‘til the end of the year until she’s feeling better, though. Or, at least, that’s what my aunt says.
However, today, she was rear-ended by a car. Her back hurts again, and I really hope it didn’t screw up the surgery. It finally stopped hurting, and it would suck big-time if she had to get it re-done.

Taco’s this weekend! [Thank you, Mrs. Burk!]

And, for my two—count them, two—dedicated readers, no, I do NOT have any more updates. I’m stuck on the same line in the same chapter, and it looks like I’m going nowhere fast!
I’ll try and get led in my pencil soon, though.

That’s all for now!

-Madi Rae

Currently Reading – Dracula [Bram Stoker], Great Expectations [Charles Dickens]

Currently Listening To – G.I.N.S.F.S. / Fall Out Boy

Name Drop – Ryland Blackinton [AKA – Guy Ripley.]

Quote Of The Week – “I’ve already given up on myself twice, but the third time is the charm.”